We all have giants in our lives. Even though they are huge, massive, ginormous and disgusting...it is funny how we can learn to live with them rather peacefully. Most of the time, as long as you don't talk about them or recognize their existence, they just live quietly in your every day life.
A couple of my giants were very disturbed by my trip to Haiti. This means I have been forced to face them in a big way. I am not going to hide them anymore. This is my public outing of the pain they have caused me. They pain I refuse to let continue.
My first giant...my weight.
Our Haiti team has a private Facebook group. It was an incredible way to get to know the 16 or so other people on the team. I was able to get to know 13 amazing women and a 3 incredible men of God before we even met in real life.
However, it occurred to me very quickly that I was going to be the FAT GIRL on the trip. I went on a super low calorie diet (not the healthiest choice) three weeks before the trip and lost 15 lbs. Yay, great for me...but I was still the FAT GIRL on the trip.
I was embarrassed. Every. Single. Day.
There was always something to caused me to hear trash talk from this giant in my head.
Stepping on the scale at the airport.
Hiking my fat tushy up into the back of a pickup truck. (I am short in addition to fat.)
Not being able to do the physical labor required to help with the dining hall roof.
Hiking up a significant Haitian speed bump.
If that wasn't enough, there are now a couple of dozen photos of the FAT GIRL on Facebook for all 514 of my friends to see. (Although I didn't take note to know for sure, I am pretty certain I may of lost a few FB friends from the photos of the fat, pale white girl in the tank top photos.)
Oh, and on the very last day in Haiti, I am almost certain a Haitian man mumbled "FAT GIRL" as he passed me on the sidewalk. I realize it was probably a warm greeting in Haitian Creole, but my brain heard FAT GIRL in English.
Other than sharing my weight issues with a few friends before my trip it was pretty much a silent battle with the weight giant. My other giant was much more visible.
I have battled anxiety attacks since I was a kid. It has only been in the last few years I have realized my uncontrollable episodes were anxiety attacks. I have medication and methods to deal with them that work most of the time. It didn't work so well in Haiti.
Upon arriving at the airport in Port Au Prince we were shuttled in the back of a "caged truck" to the gated neighborhood in which our gated guest house sat.
When I say gated, please don't confuse that with a pretty ornamental iron fence. Think more solid concrete wall about 8 feet high.
So, my first time outside of the U.S., I am taken via cage inside a prison wall, and behind another wall to a smaller prison. This was all for our safety. I knew that then and I know that now. I never questioned that. I was very thankful for it. However...
Anxiety set in. When I have an anxiety attack the nervousness quickly gives way and becomes uncontrollable crying. Within 30 minutes of arriving at the guest house I was a snot-covered basketcase. I just wanted to GO HOME.
Except for the fact that I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God wanted me in Haiti, on this trip, with these people.
Our team gathered for a pow-wow that first night. As we started to pray, I stepped up and faced my giant. I explained to the team what was happening to me. I asked them to pray over me. They did and the giant slowly started to die.
Another team member encouraged me to take a 24 hour break from any contact with my family. Before I did that I contacted my small group and asked for prayer. They delivered in a big way. Not only did they pray they fasted for 24 hours. Before that 24 hours was up, my anxiety giant was completely dead.
I realize my anxiety giant will probably come back to life at some point. But, I am prepared to kill it. My weight giant...that one isn't as easy. There isn't a pill I can take. Breathing techniques will not help. But I want to kill my weight giant. I will confess, I don't know how...but it WILL happen.
I say all of this to actually say...stop living with sleeping giants. Wake them up. Go to battle. They do not deserve any piece of your life. Our Heavenly Father wants us to be free of giants..."So if the Son sets you free, you are free through and through." John 8:36 The Message
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